We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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