PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
