i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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