Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
