I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
did i walk over a car last night?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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