They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
