Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize