I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
