ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
my poor anus
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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