I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
