saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
