i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
