i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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