Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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