I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
