If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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