She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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