Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
