I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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