My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize