Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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