Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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