My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
