Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
