I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
