Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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