What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
