My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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