I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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