I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
