i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
