I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My pussy is not your playground.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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