Joe is yelling at the trees again.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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