I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
