it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
