I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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