So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
