peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
