Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
