It's like God shit irony all over that family
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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