after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
