i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
