hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
