You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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