You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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