hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
is that a dick in a sweater?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
