hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
