I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
