I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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