Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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