maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
