I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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