i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
