Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
