I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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