I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
