omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
